Quotes & Jokes by Tim Vine / page 3

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue and I couldn't put it down.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'