Quotes & Jokes by Tim Vine / page 3

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.