Quotes & Jokes by Tommy Cooper / page 2

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books."

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'