Quotes & Jokes by Tommy Cooper / page 3

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

'I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold. 'He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bastard!"

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

"Man went into a bar. He went 'Ouch'. It was an iron bar."

A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'. The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'.

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.