Quotes & Jokes by Tommy Cooper / page 3

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bastard!"

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

"Man went into a bar. He went 'Ouch'. It was an iron bar."

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.