Quotes & Jokes by Tommy Cooper / page 3

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bastard!"

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.

So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

"Man went into a bar. He went 'Ouch'. It was an iron bar."

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".