Quotes & Jokes by Tommy Cooper / page 3

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

"Man went into a bar. He went 'Ouch'. It was an iron bar."

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bastard!"

"Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no (h)arm in it' "

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.