Quotes & Jokes by Tommy Cooper / page 3

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

'I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold. 'He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bastard!"

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

"Man went into a bar. He went 'Ouch'. It was an iron bar."

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'. The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'.