Quotes & Jokes by Tommy Cooper / page 3

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, "You'll drive me to my grave." I had the car out in thirty seconds.

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

"Man went into a bar. He went 'Ouch'. It was an iron bar."

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bastard!"

So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.

'I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold. 'He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'