Quotes & Jokes by Tommy Cooper / page 3

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

A policeman stopped me and said: "Would you please blow into this bag, sir?" I said: "What for, officer?" He said: "My chips are too hot."

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, "You'll drive me to my grave." I had the car out in thirty seconds.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

"Man went into a bar. He went 'Ouch'. It was an iron bar."

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bastard!"

So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.

'I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold. 'He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'