Quotes & Jokes by Tommy Cooper / page 4

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'. The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu. So I went, and I got it.'

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".