Quotes & Jokes by Tommy Cooper / page 4

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu. So I went, and I got it.'

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".