Quotes & Jokes by Tommy Cooper / page 4

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu. So I went, and I got it.'

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".

And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.