Quotes & Jokes by Tommy Cooper / page 4

A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'. The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu. So I went, and I got it.'

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".