Quotes & Jokes by Tommy Cooper / page 4

So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.

'I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold. 'He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu. So I went, and I got it.'

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'. The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'.

And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".