Quotes & Jokes by Zach Galifianakis / page 2

You know you're an alcoholic when the bartender knows your name... and you've never been to that bar before.

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.

Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?

You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.

You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.

I told my neighbor I was going to be on the Conan O'Brien Show, and he was like, "Yeah, right." I said, "No, I am." He goes, "So do something only you and I would understand." *looks into camera and stops playing piano* I know you stole my rake.

My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?

Whenever I'm with a woman I whisper softly into her ear, "Touch my vagina," and she's like, "What!" and I'm like, "That's what you're supposed to say."

Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes...with salad tongs.

Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.

You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.

I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!

I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.