Quotes & Jokes by Zach Galifianakis / page 2
Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?
I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.
I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.
Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.
Whenever I'm with a woman I whisper softly into her ear, "Touch my vagina," and she's like, "What!" and I'm like, "That's what you're supposed to say."
I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.
You know you're an alcoholic when the bartender knows your name... and you've never been to that bar before.
My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.
I told my neighbor I was going to be on the Conan O'Brien Show, and he was like, "Yeah, right." I said, "No, I am." He goes, "So do something only you and I would understand." *looks into camera and stops playing piano* I know you stole my rake.
I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship.'