Quotes & Jokes by Zach Galifianakis / page 3

I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship.'

Hookers don't like to snuggle.

You know what I like to do when I'm at Blockbuster? You know the quick- drop that they have there? I like to stick my penis in there. And then look at the help and say, "Have you seen this, is this any good?"

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."

I want to do a reality show based on “The Mole” but it’s really about sexually transmitted diseases. And it’s called, “God, I Hope That’s a Mole.”

Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.

I like to read the Bible in really public places, like on the subway... and just mutter things to myself like "Oh, bullshit!"

Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.

Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?

I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.

Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"