Quotes & Jokes by Zach Galifianakis / page 3

I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship.'

You know what I like to do when I'm at Blockbuster? You know the quick- drop that they have there? I like to stick my penis in there. And then look at the help and say, "Have you seen this, is this any good?"

Hookers don't like to snuggle.

I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock

I want to do a reality show based on “The Mole” but it’s really about sexually transmitted diseases. And it’s called, “God, I Hope That’s a Mole.”

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.

Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?

I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.

Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.

I like to read the Bible in really public places, like on the subway... and just mutter things to myself like "Oh, bullshit!"

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name… and you’ve never been to that bar before.