Quotes & Jokes by Zach Galifianakis / page 3

You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock

I want to do a reality show based on “The Mole” but it’s really about sexually transmitted diseases. And it’s called, “God, I Hope That’s a Mole.”

You know what I like to do when I'm at Blockbuster? You know the quick- drop that they have there? I like to stick my penis in there. And then look at the help and say, "Have you seen this, is this any good?"

Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.

I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."

Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?

I like to read the Bible in really public places, like on the subway... and just mutter things to myself like "Oh, bullshit!"

Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name… and you’ve never been to that bar before.

I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.