Quotes & Jokes by Zach Galifianakis / page 3

I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.

You know what I like to do when I'm at Blockbuster? You know the quick- drop that they have there? I like to stick my penis in there. And then look at the help and say, "Have you seen this, is this any good?"

Hookers don't like to snuggle.

I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock

I want to do a reality show based on “The Mole” but it’s really about sexually transmitted diseases. And it’s called, “God, I Hope That’s a Mole.”

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.

I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.

Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.

I like to read the Bible in really public places, like on the subway... and just mutter things to myself like "Oh, bullshit!"

Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?

Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"

I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.