Quotes & Jokes by Zach Galifianakis / page 3

I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!

I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship.'

Hookers don't like to snuggle.

You know what I like to do when I'm at Blockbuster? You know the quick- drop that they have there? I like to stick my penis in there. And then look at the help and say, "Have you seen this, is this any good?"

Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?

I want to do a reality show based on “The Mole” but it’s really about sexually transmitted diseases. And it’s called, “God, I Hope That’s a Mole.”

Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.

I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.

Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name… and you’ve never been to that bar before.

I like to read the Bible in really public places, like on the subway... and just mutter things to myself like "Oh, bullshit!"