Quotes & Jokes by Zach Galifianakis / page 3

You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

I want to do a reality show based on “The Mole” but it’s really about sexually transmitted diseases. And it’s called, “God, I Hope That’s a Mole.”

I like to read the Bible in really public places, like on the subway... and just mutter things to myself like "Oh, bullshit!"

You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.

Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.

Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.

You know what I like to do when I'm at Blockbuster? You know the quick- drop that they have there? I like to stick my penis in there. And then look at the help and say, "Have you seen this, is this any good?"

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name… and you’ve never been to that bar before.

Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"

Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?

You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.

I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."

I'm an American so its kind of hard for me to talk about 9/11. So whenever someone brings it up in a conversation, I say "I didn't like 9/11."