Quotes & Jokes by Aziz Ansari / page 3


Whats the worst that could happen?! The worst that could happen is he could cut off your legs and use them to make stilts that look like legs!

No, I don’t text her, "It was nice meeting you". I wait eight weeks and I text her, "What’s cracking?"

If your job was remotely interesting, there would be a show on A&E about it.

I'm kind of obsessed with food. I like to eat.

What if I couldn’t read? I wouldn’t be able to text my friends movie times or even order cheese biscuits from Red Lobster!

A lot of people my age think stand up sucks.

I like living in L.A. One thing I don't like about living here is driving. I always get bored when I'm driving, and when I get bored, I go on the Internet on my Blackberry. So I'm gonna die! And whenever they go through the wreckage, they'll find my phone and be like, whoa, that's what he looked up right before he died? Gonna be so sad. It'll be like: Comedian Aziz Ansari was killed in a car accident today. He was struck by another vehicle while using IMDb to see if Val Kilmer was, indeed, in the film "Willow." A representative for Mr. Kilmer confirmed he was, indeed, in the film and hopes this will prevent future tragedies of this nature. This is the third "Willow"-related death this year.

At the risk bragging, one of the things I’m best at is riding coattails. Behind every successful man is me, smiling and taking partial credit.

One of my life goals is to be a best man. It’s a baller position. You get drunk, you make speeches, and you make love to the prettiest bridesmaid. Usually standing from behind.

I'm in a situation with this girl that's as hopeless as overthrowing the Bush administration.

Let's have a moment of silence for all the chubby Asian dudes that are getting 'Gangnam style!' yelled at them by bros around the world.

I want to take that cheese and do terrible things to it.

Modern life. Where are we running? Sometimes what we want is not always where we are... Are we alone? Is the real winter inside our hearts? We are all struggling for definition in a world that resists our increase.

Every now and then, we have these little gatherings, and Leslie gets plastered. One time, I convinced her to try to fax someone a Fruit Roll-Up.

My father's cock went into my mother's cunt in the backroom of a Cinnabon. That's how I was born.