Quotes & Jokes by Bob Monkhouse


I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance.

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.

My wife said: 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said: 'Why?' and she said: 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already'.

Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.

Silence is not only golden; it is seldom misquoted.

Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.

What do gardeners do when they retire?

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

If you don't go to other peoples funerals, they won't go to yours.

My father only hit me once - but he used a Volvo.

I got my start in silent radio.

A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.