Quotes & Jokes by Bob Monkhouse

I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance.

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.

Silence is not only golden; it is seldom misquoted.

My wife said: 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said: 'Why?' and she said: 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already'.

Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.

Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

If you don't go to other peoples funerals, they won't go to yours.

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.

What do gardeners do when they retire?

A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.

My father only hit me once - but he used a Volvo.

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

I got my start in silent radio.