Quotes & Jokes by Chic Murray

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked ‘”What’s the matter? Did you fall over?” So I said “No. I’ve a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it.”

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.

The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.

A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

My sister wanted a cat for a pet… I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling… the rest I spend foolishly.

I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.

If it weren’t for marriage, husband and wives would have to fight with strangers.

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

Kippers : fish that like a lot of sleep.

We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements.