Quotes & Jokes by Chic Murray / page 2

I took my father on a coach trip last summer.We were halfway there when the driver lost control of the coach, it flew down a hill around a bend and crashed through a brick wall. I wasn’t hurt but luckily my father had the presence of mind to kick my head in.

I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. “What do you want?”, she asked. “I want to stay here”, I replied. “Well, stay there then”, she said and closed the window.

A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches – two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them.

She’s a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

It was raining cats and dogs, and I fell in a poodle.

I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn’t even have attempted it.

I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea, as I was a stranger there myself.

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.

A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.

I won’t say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.

If something’s neither here nor there, where the hell is it?

This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then, when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he’s been pushed for money ever since.