Quotes & Jokes by Chic Murray / page 2
I took my father on a coach trip last summer.We were halfway there when the driver lost control of the coach, it flew down a hill around a bend and crashed through a brick wall. I wasn’t hurt but luckily my father had the presence of mind to kick my head in.
She’s a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.
I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. “What do you want?”, she asked. “I want to stay here”, I replied. “Well, stay there then”, she said and closed the window.
A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches – two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them.
My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.
I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.
This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then, when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he’s been pushed for money ever since.
I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn’t even have attempted it.
I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea, as I was a stranger there myself.
My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.
I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.
A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.