Quotes & Jokes by Frank Carson
A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."
A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."
A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" "He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen."
There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.
A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you’ve only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."
My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.
What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.
An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.
I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"
Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.
I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson." When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it."