Quotes & Jokes by Frank Carson / page 2

My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick.

Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.

Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.

I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.

I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"

I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.

A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."