Quotes & Jokes by Fred Allen
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.
An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.
An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.
A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.
An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.
If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.
I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.
I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.