Quotes & Jokes by Fred Allen
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.
A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.
If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.
I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.
An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.
A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.
An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.
A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.
An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.
A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.