Quotes & Jokes by Groucho Marx

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Humor is reason gone mad.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?