Quotes & Jokes by Jimmy Carr

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

I say no to gay marriage. It'll end up leading to gay divorce, and that'll be bitchy.

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...

Jesus loves you... He's not 'in love' with you.

Boxers don't have sex before a fight, do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.

I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.