Quotes & Jokes by Milton Jones
About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard – after that he went downhill very quickly.
It's difficult isn't it, when you're in a Mosque and everyone's praying and you really enjoy leapfrog.
The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.
To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.
I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.
My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better
When the boys at school found out I had a potentially fatal peanut allergy, they used to hold me up against a wall and play Russian Roulette with a bag of Revels !
My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.
I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.
My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education... because they were both druids.
Incredible to think isn’t it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery.
You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.
Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them, they don’t like that.