Quotes & Jokes by Milton Jones
About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard – after that he went downhill very quickly.
To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.
It's difficult isn't it, when you're in a Mosque and everyone's praying and you really enjoy leapfrog.
My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better
The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.
My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education... because they were both druids.
I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.
Incredible to think isn’t it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery.
When the boys at school found out I had a potentially fatal peanut allergy, they used to hold me up against a wall and play Russian Roulette with a bag of Revels !
You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.
My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.
I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.
Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them, they don’t like that.