Quotes & Jokes by Patton Oswalt

My friends went over to Europe and they brought back a magazine called Piss Drinkers magazine. Now what was really creepy about it was: this was issue 8, volume 22 of Piss Drinkers. It’s a 22-year-old magazine.

What are they not going to do a reality show about… There used to be a time when you would come home and reality was so crappy, you would turn on TV to watch stuff people had made up so you could escape from the crappy reality. Now, you go out and deal with dickheads and morons all day and you come home, and go “I just want to go home so I can watch Dickheads and Morons on TV.”

Cheap liquor is a magic potion that can turn you into a puppet cowboy before it kills you.

People think it’s OK to walk up to me holding a baby. Like that’s cool… A baby, if you really break it down logically, it is a tiny human being and it’s shirtless, which is really creepy. It’s a shirtless, bald human being with a bag of its own crap around its waist. How horrifying is that?

If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins.

If the victories we create in our heads were let loose on reality, the world we know would drown in blazing happiness.

That shit [religion] was going on all over the planet. They would tell them about sky cookies, or sky pie, or sky baklava. And as each of these civilizations grew, they built ships; they'd go visit each other, and the one guy would walk off the boat and go,'Hey, did you hear the good news about the sky baklava?' and the first guy went,'It's CAKE, motherfucker! You're dead!'

I have to drink this much to be as unfunny as you.

If I ever commit suicide I’m going to fling myself off the top of a skyscraper, but before I do I’m going to stuff my pockets with candy and gum. That way when the onlookers walk up they can go, “Oh man he really must have been dep - Hey, Snickers!”

I had a romance novel inside me, but I paid three sailors to beat it out if me with steel pipes.

I mean, the death in the late eighties and early nineties really shook out a lot of hacks. The pond just sort of dried up for a lot of really bad comedians.

I hate all sidekicks.

I've hung out in the writer's room a few times, but the fact is we've got such a good writing staff, I don't want to get my peanut butter fingerprints on anything.

90% of every art form is garbage - dance and stand-up, painting and music. Focus on the 10% that's good, suck it up, and drive on.

I have some shorter stories coming out in other books early next year. I might be pitching a re-vamp of Ghost Rider in the spring. We'll see.