Quotes & Jokes by Rita Rudner

49 quotes

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a doctor, I suggest a dermatologist. Good hours, free Retin-A.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.