Quotes & Jokes by Rita Rudner
Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.
The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.
They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.
My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.
I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a doctor, I suggest a dermatologist. Good hours, free Retin-A.
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.