Quotes & Jokes by Rita Rudner / page 2
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
Men hate to lose. I beat my husband once at tennis. I asked him, "Will we ever make love again?" He said, "Yes.... but not with each other."
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.
My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There’s no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, “Look, it’s always gonna be me!”
I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.
I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.
Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.
Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.