Quotes & Jokes by Rita Rudner / page 2
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
One time I love to shop is after a bad relationship. I go and buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. Sometimes if I see a really great outfit I’ll break up with someone on purpose.
I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.
Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.
Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There’s no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, “Look, it’s always gonna be me!”
I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.
Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.
Men hate to lose. I beat my husband once at tennis. I asked him, "Will we ever make love again?" He said, "Yes.... but not with each other."
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.