Quotes & Jokes by Russell Howard
The first time you see a vagina you’re like, “It’s brilliant.” But it’s actually terrifying. It looks exactly like Rio Ferdinand’s smile.
Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable.
With Michael Jackson, what I thought was really interesting was the people saying: ‘He looked really well in that final video.’ I was, like: ‘No, he didn’t – he looked like someone had melted goat’s cheese over a sex doll.’
So my mum bought a jacuzzi, and I was in there along with my father and my sister, when my mother decided it would be the ideal moment to say – ‘Guess what everyone in this jacuzzi has in common? You’ve all sucked on my tits.’
She’s 80 my nan, what do you want for your birthday? “SHREDDER!! GET ME A SHREDDER!!”, what do you want a shredder for? “IDENTITY THEFT!!”.
I lived with a guy who had OCD and I used to put Rice Krispies in his slippers before I went out. He went mental, but not before he counted them all.
I’d love the ability to give someone an orgasm just by touching them.
If I were to die of anything vaguely sex-related or had taken Viagra, you just know there’d be headlines of ‘Russell How-hard’ in the newspapers.
The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.
The internet, it’s destroyed porn hasn’t it, it’s so depressing if you’re a teenage boy now because you can type in ‘tit’ and you’ve got every image under the sun. When I was a kid the only way you found porn was when it magically arrived in the woods. What a moment that was in your youth!
Unlikely things to see in a Valentine's card – "I may be dyslexic but that doesn't mean I don't vole you."
I like the authentic punk dance you did there. It’s like a child dizzy off lemonade