Quotes & Jokes by Tig Notaro

I went on a hardcore drinking and smoking binge. It lasted right about nine months. And then as soon as I was born, I was like, “Do not go in there.”

It's not the child's responsibility to teach the parent who they are. It's the parent's responsibility to learn who the child is.

I was one of those kids that finished school early… by dropping out.

My age makes all my wrinkles and gray hair make sense.

I was at a party and this guys was hitting on me. But he was hitting on me with the most boring questions. One of them was “If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?” <br /> And I was like, “Anywhere?”<br /> And he was like, “Anywhere.”<br /> And I was like, “To the other side of the room… Now please get out of the way of a woman and her dream.”

I'm the luckiest unlucky person.

Not many people have had as much bad luck as I have, but not many people have had as much good luck, either.

I love devastating movies, documentaries and hummingbirds (yes, in that order).

When anything huge happens to me, I always think, this isn't my moment, this is a moment.