Quotes & Jokes by Tommy Cooper / page 3

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, "You'll drive me to my grave." I had the car out in thirty seconds.

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

"Man went into a bar. He went 'Ouch'. It was an iron bar."

I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bastard!"

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.