Quotes & Jokes by Zach Galifianakis

One of his favorite racist jokes he can't tell anymore, because too many people didn't get it. It starts with him confessing that he's used the term "sand nigger," then adding that he's never said it about someone from the Middle East. "When I use it," he says, "it's 'Get off the sand, nigger, volleyball is a white man's game!'"

I once saw my grandparents have sex, and that’s why I don’t eat raisins.

I'll tell you something that a girl does not like for you to whisper in her ear, and that is "I'm going to perform Jihad on your vagina".

My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings.

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

I call my balls the bush twins.

I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.

This year my New Year's resolution was to stop saying "Seacrest, out!" after I ejaculate.

I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.

I wanna open up a maternity shop and call it "We're fucked".

I once walked in on my grandparents making love...And that's why I don't eat raisins.

The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever."

My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.

My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.

Don't boo people! Don't boo! Be more specific! Like, "WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! I HATE THAT! I HATE IT!"