Quotes & Jokes by Bill Maher / page 16

The food is out of this world!

Nobody sees people as people. It's all how they relate to my little group.

God makes trees, he doesn't write books.

George Bush says, "Gore's book needs a lot of explaining." Of course, Bush says that about every book.

The country has become much more conservative, partly because it's been taken over by the religious right.

A group of Cuban Americans denounced the Castro government as a fascist regime that monitors and scrutinized its citizens' everyday existence. And then they excused themselves to go watch "Big Brother".

I don't want to be a pessimist. I'm a realist. One man's realist is another man's pessimist.

And for the record, all marriages are same sex marriages. You get married, and every night, it's the same sex.

I thought when we elected a black president, we were going to get a black president. You know, BP oil spill is where I want a real black president. I want him in a meeting with the BP CEOs, you know, where he lifts up his shirt so you can see the gun in his pants. That’s - "we’ve got a motherfucking problem here?" Shoot somebody in the foot.

I believe in God, I just give him more credit than being a single parent and an author.

Don't you miss the days when America was just morally bankrupt?

In this country your guilty until proven wealthy.

Mr. President, there are some people who are never going to like you. That's why they voted for the old guy and Carrie's mom. You're not going to win them over. Stand up for the 70% of Americans who aren't crazy.

There's no greater model, in my view, than Jesus Christ.

I am so tired of rearranging my life around what the stupidest people might do.