Quotes & Jokes by Billy Connolly / page 5
There's nothing like it, but it's not as good as you think it's going to be... I was disappointed because there are records of people finding things that have been there for years. I was hoping for a shirt button, or my club's badge - but not a sausage.
I'd always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.
Life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time, and you'll have the time of your life!
My wife said "I want to sell the house and buy a yacht". I said "What!? You do realise I live here? Comedian, Scottish guy. There's 3 kids over there, each have their own rooms. C'mon, I'll show you, they live here too."
Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you simply look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's.
My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
My black-eye and fat lip suggests that 'up the backside'... was definitely the wrong answer, when my girlfriend asked me 'where are you taking me for my birthday?'
As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me.
Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.
People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
A biker goes to the Doctor with hearing problems "Can you describe the symptoms to me". "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marg is a skinny bird with big blue hair!"
When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.