Quotes & Jokes by Billy Connolly / page 6

But still, I kept thinking, if I'm still troubled by this, if I'm still carrying it around like a big rucksack full of bricks and my father's dead, I need someone to tell me how to get rid of this great weight... The most awful thing was that it was kind of pleasant physically, you know. That's why nobody tells.

Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.

My black-eye and fat lip suggests that 'up the backside'... was definitely the wrong answer, when my girlfriend asked me 'where are you taking me for my birthday?'

When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.

I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce - my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions - the absurdity of the thing.

I don't aim to offend.

When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking floor.

Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.

A gypsy girl sent an email to an agony Aunt "I am 12 years old and haven't had sex yet, do you think my brother is queer?"

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.

If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting.

The working classes, the ones they refer to in those political programmes as "the ordinary people".

Don't work out, work in.