Quotes & Jokes by Billy Connolly / page 6

People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

My black-eye and fat lip suggests that 'up the backside'... was definitely the wrong answer, when my girlfriend asked me 'where are you taking me for my birthday?'

I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce - my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions - the absurdity of the thing.

Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.

Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.

Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.

I don't aim to offend.

When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

A gypsy girl sent an email to an agony Aunt "I am 12 years old and haven't had sex yet, do you think my brother is queer?"

When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking floor.

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.

A biker goes to the Doctor with hearing problems "Can you describe the symptoms to me". "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marg is a skinny bird with big blue hair!"

If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting.

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?