Quotes & Jokes by Bo Burnham / page 3

Is there anything better than pussy? Yeah, a really good book.

Do unto others as you would have them do to you, said the rapist.

Then the challenge is, once you left brain it and build it, then when you’re on stage you have to know it so well that you can get lost in it. I don’t want to be onstage looking like a robot, I want to be at the end of the day very emotional and what feels like someone being up there rather than reciting things. That’s always the challenge, to analyze and then somehow lose yourself in something you absolutely know backwards and forwards. And nothing’s going to surprise you, but you have to be surprised by it and let it surprise you.

It's so ironic because gay bashers were the ones labeling me in high school. I try and write satire that's well-intentioned. But those intentions have to be hidden. It can't be completely clear and that's what makes it comedy.

People do complain about the way I act on stage... They think on stage I act too arrogant, too self-obsessed, solecistic, self-contained, synonyms.

And if you made a factor tree of the factors that caused my girl to leave me you'd have a tree... Full of Asian porn.

Old peoples' skin sags because it's being pulled toward the underworld.

I’m circumcised ‘cause I don’t cum from the hood.

Poverty. Racism. Isn’t it strange, only the homeless are begging for change?

Swallow bitch, there’s people starving in Africa.

Drugs kill, just like cancer. So don’t smoke... tumors.

And if I die early the situation will be auto-erotic asphyxiation, I hate my life and it hates me back!

Squaring numbers are just like women. If they’re under thirteen, just do them in your head.

What's a pirate minus the ship? Just a creative homeless guy.

My show is a little bit silly and a little bit pretentious. Like Shakespeare's willy. Or Noam Chomsky wearing a strap-on.