Quotes & Jokes by Bo Burnham / page 3

Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it.

And if you made a factor tree of the factors that caused my girl to leave me you'd have a tree... Full of Asian porn.

I stopped and I thought, "What would Jesus do?" So I didn’t exist.

Is there anything better than pussy? Yeah, a really good book.

And if ten percent of men are gay and twenty percent of men are Chinese, what are the odds that a men chosen at random spends his free time and mealtime while on his knees.

Poverty. Racism. Isn’t it strange, only the homeless are begging for change?

Drugs kill, just like cancer. So don’t smoke... tumors.

Ya back home they call me the tie-dye shirt kid, well that and fagot.

For fifteen cents a day you can feed an African, they eat pennies.

What's a pirate minus the ship? Just a creative homeless guy.

Old peoples' skin sags because it's being pulled toward the underworld.

I’m circumcised ‘cause I don’t cum from the hood.

Swallow bitch, there’s people starving in Africa.

Do unto others as you would have them do to you, said the rapist.

Squaring numbers are just like women. If they’re under thirteen, just do them in your head.