Quotes & Jokes by Bo Burnham / page 4

My show is a little bit silly and a little bit pretentious. Like Shakespeare's willy. Or Noam Chomsky wearing a strap-on.

There's a metal train that a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her. How long til it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he's a good conductor?

Where are all the sour patch parents?

I've always wanted a black girlfriend. Not as a joke, just so when we sixty-nine I can call it Yin-Yanging.

I’m circumcised ‘cause I don’t cum from the hood.

People give me money and I don’t know why, my real collection plate is an empty cup held by a homeless guy.

In the distance, Bo saw a fairy. A fairy so beautiful that he felt proud of being called one in high school.

And an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant? An ironic way to die.

I'm Bo yo I'm the greatest rapper ever ever and I'll whether you weather, whether you think you better your not don't need a sweater I'm hot, I'm a really cool shorty who can really find your g-spot... what the fucks a g-spot.

I know what you guys are thinking: Oh Bo, you tackle such taboo subjects, you know, is there anything off limits? Anything you don't find funny? Anything you think is too sacred to laugh at? And the truth is, there is... White people. I think we've been through enough...

Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.

I want you like Anne Frank wanted nobody to read her fucking diary.

I believe, firmly, that women are always right. Ah, I should actually rephrase that: I... don’t.

And two balls minus one, six titles at the tour de France.

For every dollar that a man makes, a woman makes 70 cents. That doesn't make sense. That's not fair, the man's only left with 30.