Quotes & Jokes by Bo Burnham / page 4

I’m circumcised ‘cause I don’t cum from the hood.

Where are all the sour patch parents?

I've always wanted a black girlfriend. Not as a joke, just so when we sixty-nine I can call it Yin-Yanging.

My show is a little bit silly and a little bit pretentious. Like Shakespeare's willy. Or Noam Chomsky wearing a strap-on.

There's a metal train that a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her. How long til it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he's a good conductor?

People give me money and I don’t know why, my real collection plate is an empty cup held by a homeless guy.

In the distance, Bo saw a fairy. A fairy so beautiful that he felt proud of being called one in high school.

And an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant? An ironic way to die.

I believe, firmly, that women are always right. Ah, I should actually rephrase that: I... don’t.

I know what you guys are thinking: Oh Bo, you tackle such taboo subjects, you know, is there anything off limits? Anything you don't find funny? Anything you think is too sacred to laugh at? And the truth is, there is... White people. I think we've been through enough...

Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.

What's important is that you stay true to yourself. Because when you enter the real world, the most valuable thing you can bring is all your you-ness. The world doesn't need any more hot chicks or tough guys or smooth talkers - the world needs more you. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

I want you like Anne Frank wanted nobody to read her fucking diary.

I'm Bo yo I'm the greatest rapper ever ever and I'll whether you weather, whether you think you better your not don't need a sweater I'm hot, I'm a really cool shorty who can really find your g-spot... what the fucks a g-spot.

It’s a show that I hope feels intimate in theme, but bigger in presentation. I love Tim Minchin, Bill Bailey and Hans Teeuwen and I’m trying to synthesise elements of theatre into my show a little bit more. I want it to be surprising and rich and fun to watch, and maybe a little confusing. It’ll be very loud and very quiet and very sad and very happy, with things that have you leaving the theatre going, "what..." And not "what" with a question mark; just "what", period.