Quotes & Jokes by Bo Burnham / page 7

I’m a drunken midget with a loaded gun, a loaded gun.

I'm constipated, couldn't give a shit.

I've been doin' drive-bys all of my life. Except the bullets are newspapers, the car is my bike.

They say, if you want to know what a girl is going to look like, look at her mother, ya know. So I am so glad that I broke up with her, cuz uh, she would been uh, you know... dead.

Did you poop a virgin? ‘Cause that shit is tight.

I don’t watch you when you sleep. Surprisingly I don’t use my omnipotence to be a fucking creep.

No one entertains the thought that maybe god does not believe in you.

YouTube is a place for people to share their ideas. If by people you mean 13 year old girls and by ideas you mean how they love the Jonas Brothers.

I got a safe full of cherries ‘cause I pop it and lock it.

I stopped and I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?”<br /> So I didn’t exist.

I masturbate ‘cause I’m the only one whose standards are low enough to FUCK ME.

Happy Thanksgiving! I broke into Best Buy and stole a copy of Pocahontas to celebrate.