Quotes & Jokes by Bo Burnham / page 7

I think that God might think I’m gay... what does he know anyway?

I’m a drunken midget with a loaded gun, a loaded gun.

I've been doin' drive-bys all of my life. Except the bullets are newspapers, the car is my bike.

YouTube is a place for people to share their ideas. If by people you mean 13 year old girls and by ideas you mean how they love the Jonas Brothers.

Give me the bottle, I’ll chug two thirds, ‘cause you bitches know fractions speak louder than words.

They say, if you want to know what a girl is going to look like, look at her mother, ya know. So I am so glad that I broke up with her, cuz uh, she would been uh, you know... dead.

Did you poop a virgin? ‘Cause that shit is tight.

I got a safe full of cherries ‘cause I pop it and lock it.

I stopped and I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?”<br /> So I didn’t exist.

I masturbate ‘cause I’m the only one whose standards are low enough to FUCK ME.

It’s a show that I hope feels intimate in theme, but bigger in presentation. I love Tim Minchin, Bill Bailey and Hans Teeuwen and I’m trying to synthesise elements of theatre into my show a little bit more. I want it to be surprising and rich and fun to watch, and maybe a little confusing. It’ll be very loud and very quiet and very sad and very happy, with things that have you leaving the theatre going, "what..." And not "what" with a question mark; just "what", period.

Happy Thanksgiving! I broke into Best Buy and stole a copy of Pocahontas to celebrate.