Quotes & Jokes by Bo Burnham / page 6

And my friend is black, but I don't know what to call him. So I just call him Jamal Even though his name is Steve.

I actually wrestled in high school. I was only in one match, and I lost... my virginity.

What's that? My six song album entitled "Bo Fo Sho" is currently available on iTunes? With three songs that have never been heard on the internet? Uh, and if I try to pirate it for free I'll get AIDS? I would have guessed scurvy. Well, see you later ghost of Dr.Martin Luther King Jr.

You guys like impressions? Why?

I met a bipolar bear. He laughed, cried, then wanted a threesome.

What's a bag of chips divided by five, that's a Nike worker's meal.

I wanted to be a physicist when I was younger, and I also wanted to be a comedian, but only one of those worked out, so I'd like to try to do both now in a bit that I call theoretical dick jokes.

I got a safe full of cherries ‘cause I pop it and lock it.

I love you like a gay geneticist loves designer genes.

I never said I was funny, OK, so stop staring at me...

Give me the bottle, I’ll chug two thirds, ‘cause you bitches know fractions speak louder than words.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I’m thankful for all of you. I am not thankful for the pilgrims. Buckles should never be on hats.

They say, if you want to know what a girl is going to look like, look at her mother, ya know. So I am so glad that I broke up with her, cuz uh, she would been uh, you know... dead.

I don’t watch you when you sleep. Surprisingly I don’t use my omnipotence to be a fucking creep.

I’m gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face.