Quotes & Jokes by Bo Burnham / page 6

And my friend is black, but I don't know what to call him. So I just call him Jamal Even though his name is Steve.

What's that? My six song album entitled "Bo Fo Sho" is currently available on iTunes? With three songs that have never been heard on the internet? Uh, and if I try to pirate it for free I'll get AIDS? I would have guessed scurvy. Well, see you later ghost of Dr.Martin Luther King Jr.

When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed.

You guys like impressions? Why?

I met a bipolar bear. He laughed, cried, then wanted a threesome.

I wanted to be a physicist when I was younger, and I also wanted to be a comedian, but only one of those worked out, so I'd like to try to do both now in a bit that I call theoretical dick jokes.

I never said I was funny, OK, so stop staring at me...

I love you like a gay geneticist loves designer genes.

I’m gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face.

What's a bag of chips divided by five, that's a Nike worker's meal.

I’m going to take a Viagra and hit you all with a rock hard misdirection.

I think that God might think I’m gay... what does he know anyway?

I get more ass than a giant donkey stable.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I’m thankful for all of you. I am not thankful for the pilgrims. Buckles should never be on hats.

Give me the bottle, I’ll chug two thirds, ‘cause you bitches know fractions speak louder than words.