Quotes & Jokes by Bo Burnham / page 6

People ask me all the time, all the time, they say the same exact thing. They say, "Bo, you’re an artist… how do we fix Africa?"

I wanted to be a physicist when I was younger, and I also wanted to be a comedian, but only one of those worked out, so I'd like to try to do both now in a bit that I call theoretical dick jokes.

I never said I was funny, OK, so stop staring at me...

I met a bipolar bear. He laughed, cried, then wanted a threesome.

I’m a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch, and I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncles pull-out couch.

I’m gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face.

When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed.

I love you like a gay geneticist loves designer genes.

What's a bag of chips divided by five, that's a Nike worker's meal.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I’m thankful for all of you. I am not thankful for the pilgrims. Buckles should never be on hats.

I get more ass than a giant donkey stable.

I'm constipated, couldn't give a shit.

I don’t watch you when you sleep. Surprisingly I don’t use my omnipotence to be a fucking creep.

I’m going to take a Viagra and hit you all with a rock hard misdirection.

No one entertains the thought that maybe god does not believe in you.