Quotes & Jokes by Bo Burnham / page 6

And my friend is black, but I don't know what to call him. So I just call him Jamal Even though his name is Steve.

The average person has one fallopian tube.

I actually wrestled in high school. I was only in one match, and I lost... my virginity.

You guys like impressions? Why?

I met a bipolar bear. He laughed, cried, then wanted a threesome.

I wanted to be a physicist when I was younger, and I also wanted to be a comedian, but only one of those worked out, so I'd like to try to do both now in a bit that I call theoretical dick jokes.

What's a bag of chips divided by five, that's a Nike worker's meal.

I got a safe full of cherries ‘cause I pop it and lock it.

I don’t watch you when you sleep. Surprisingly I don’t use my omnipotence to be a fucking creep.

I love you like a gay geneticist loves designer genes.

I never said I was funny, OK, so stop staring at me...

Give me the bottle, I’ll chug two thirds, ‘cause you bitches know fractions speak louder than words.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I’m thankful for all of you. I am not thankful for the pilgrims. Buckles should never be on hats.

I've been doin' drive-bys all of my life. Except the bullets are newspapers, the car is my bike.

They say, if you want to know what a girl is going to look like, look at her mother, ya know. So I am so glad that I broke up with her, cuz uh, she would been uh, you know... dead.