Quotes & Jokes by Bo Burnham / page 6

I actually wrestled in high school. I was only in one match, and I lost... my virginity.

And my friend is black, but I don't know what to call him. So I just call him Jamal Even though his name is Steve.

What's that? My six song album entitled "Bo Fo Sho" is currently available on iTunes? With three songs that have never been heard on the internet? Uh, and if I try to pirate it for free I'll get AIDS? I would have guessed scurvy. Well, see you later ghost of Dr.Martin Luther King Jr.

You guys like impressions? Why?

I met a bipolar bear. He laughed, cried, then wanted a threesome.

I wanted to be a physicist when I was younger, and I also wanted to be a comedian, but only one of those worked out, so I'd like to try to do both now in a bit that I call theoretical dick jokes.

What's a bag of chips divided by five, that's a Nike worker's meal.

I love you like a gay geneticist loves designer genes.

I never said I was funny, OK, so stop staring at me...

I’m gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face.

Give me the bottle, I’ll chug two thirds, ‘cause you bitches know fractions speak louder than words.

I get more ass than a giant donkey stable.

I don’t watch you when you sleep. Surprisingly I don’t use my omnipotence to be a fucking creep.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I’m thankful for all of you. I am not thankful for the pilgrims. Buckles should never be on hats.

I’m going to take a Viagra and hit you all with a rock hard misdirection.