Quotes & Jokes by Bob Hope / page 2

I would not have had anything to eat if it weren't for the stuff the audience threw at me.

Thanks to our brave allies: you gallant Russian bear, you British everywhere.

I have the perfect simplified tax form for government. Why don't they just print our money with a return address on it?

I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.

I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

A very, very religious man. Every time I eat a peanut, I feel immortal.

Golf is my real profession - show business pays my greens fees.

Where else but in America could the women's liberation movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support?

Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.

Kissing is like drinking tea with a tea strainer, you can never get enough.

At the Academy Award Dinners all the actors and actresses in Hollywood gather around to see what someone else thinks about their acting besides their press agents.

I thought 'Deep Throat' was a movie about a giraffe.

Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning.

Television. That's where movies go when they die.

I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.