Quotes & Jokes by Bob Hope / page 3

When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham.'

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties.

It's so cold here in Washington, D.C., that politicians have their hands in their own pockets.

The Democrats have an answer to the unemployment problem. They're all running for the presidency.

I know I'm in England because this morning, my stomach got up two hours before I did and had a cup of tea! I've had so much tea, I slosh when I walk! You have to drink tea - I've tasted the coffee!

Baseball is a soap opera that plays out day after day, one that a lot of elderly women watch until the characters and the plot becomes a part of their life. She got to enjoy the personal side of the players. They were her kids. The Braves were her family.

You can always tell when a man's well-informed. His views are pretty much like yours.

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.

I'm so old they've canceled my blood type.

If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

I'd give up golf if I didn't have so many sweaters.

Remember me? The Macaulay Culkin of 1927.

Over the years, I have been subjected to many indignities, all for the sake of Art. If I ever catch him, I'm going to kill the guy.