Quotes & Jokes by Bob Hope / page 3

I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.

I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning.

It's so cold here in Washington, D.C., that politicians have their hands in their own pockets.

Baseball is a soap opera that plays out day after day, one that a lot of elderly women watch until the characters and the plot becomes a part of their life. She got to enjoy the personal side of the players. They were her kids. The Braves were her family.

The Democrats have an answer to the unemployment problem. They're all running for the presidency.

You can always tell when a man's well-informed. His views are pretty much like yours.

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.

I know I'm in England because this morning, my stomach got up two hours before I did and had a cup of tea! I've had so much tea, I slosh when I walk! You have to drink tea - I've tasted the coffee!

I'm so old they've canceled my blood type.

You've got to be rich to have a swing like that.

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

Over the years, I have been subjected to many indignities, all for the sake of Art. If I ever catch him, I'm going to kill the guy.

The program is nearly over! I can feel the audience is still with me but if I run faster I can shake them off.

I'd give up golf if I didn't have so many sweaters.