Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 10
I don’t know what’s going on with Britney. I think by now she’s her own species. We need to catch her, tag her and send her back out into her natural habitat - Starbucks - so we can observe her and learn more about her.
Lance Bass has a new autobiography titled Out of Sync. We don’t need to read it, we already know how it ends - Justin is really successful, and Lance is gay.
We went to a Barnes and Noble, where I picked up an unauthorized biography of M.C. Hammer, and not wanting to overload her on her first book, I steered Dumb Dumb toward a Choose Your Own Adventure.
The show is a behind-the-scenes look at what happens at our office when the cameras are off... A perfect platform for people who have no business being on camera.
Today is both the most romantic day of the year and the busiest day of the year for the suicide hotline.
For months there have been rumors that J.Lo is finally pregnant with Marc Anthony’s baby. She was afraid it might never happen. I’m afraid it’s going to look like Marc Anthony...
You don't give something away because it's fat. You take it and you look at it.
If you wait too long in Vegas, you end up with a chicken finger in your underwear.
Paris Hilton is one of the hosts for Nicole Richie’s baby shower, and they’re serving sushi. Awesome, Paris - sushi, the one thing pregnant women are forbidden to eat. Thanks for the mercury.
It’s true what they say about patience being a virtue; it just happens to be a virtue that I choose not to pursue.
That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.
What about your constitutional right to bear arms, you say. I would simply point out that you don’t have to exercise a constitutional right just because you have it. You have the constitutional right to run for president of the United States, but most people have too much sense to insist on exercising it.