Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 10
Lance Bass has a new autobiography titled Out of Sync. We don’t need to read it, we already know how it ends - Justin is really successful, and Lance is gay.
The L. A. Times is reporting that Britney Spears' album Blackout will be number one on the Billboard charts. Not to toot my horn, but I predicted this on my show a week ago. No one wanted to believe me - even I didn't want to believe me, but now I know how Nostradamus feels.
I would never get married while my father is still alive because I wouldn't want him to walk me down the aisle.
It's hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher.
We went to a Barnes and Noble, where I picked up an unauthorized biography of M.C. Hammer, and not wanting to overload her on her first book, I steered Dumb Dumb toward a Choose Your Own Adventure.
The show is a behind-the-scenes look at what happens at our office when the cameras are off... A perfect platform for people who have no business being on camera.
Today is both the most romantic day of the year and the busiest day of the year for the suicide hotline.
Paris Hilton is one of the hosts for Nicole Richie’s baby shower, and they’re serving sushi. Awesome, Paris - sushi, the one thing pregnant women are forbidden to eat. Thanks for the mercury.
I know they don’t recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.
The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he's still alive.
It’s true what they say about patience being a virtue; it just happens to be a virtue that I choose not to pursue.
You don't give something away because it's fat. You take it and you look at it.