Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 10

It’s true what they say about patience being a virtue; it just happens to be a virtue that I choose not to pursue.

That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.

Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it's because it makes me look more together.

He's so pissed off 'cause he probably thought he was, like, scoring the biggest deal of his lifetime, getting adopted by this famous movie star, who was gonna rescue him from his third world Cambodia, only to find out she's gonna take him to every other fucking third world country in the world. He's probably like, 'When the fuck are we getting to Malibu like you promised?'

I would never get married while my father is still alive because I wouldn't want him to walk me down the aisle.

...some of the best sex I can barely remember.

I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.

I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet.

I understand that if you're a kid in Indonesia, you need to smoke because you just got off work at the Nike factory.

The show is a behind-the-scenes look at what happens at our office when the cameras are off... A perfect platform for people who have no business being on camera.

So, my dad's like, 'You're not a lesbian, are you?' I'm like, 'No, I'm not a lesbian. I sleep with guys all the time.' He's like, 'Well, you're not a hooker, are you?' I'm like, 'No, I'm not a hooker. I don't charge people.'

Everybody I hire is more fucked up than I am.

In a statement to the Associated Press earlier in the year, Jamie Lynn said she didn't have a boyfriend. She said, "I'm keeping my options open." And by options, she meant legs.

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

If you can't trust your coke dealer, who can you trust?