Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 11
Paris Hilton has launched a new champagne in a can called Rich Prosecco. For the ad campaign Paris posed wearing nothing but gold paint. That’s a unique way to cover up herpes.
I understand that if you're a kid in Indonesia, you need to smoke because you just got off work at the Nike factory.
I know they don’t recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.
Everyone is coming from a place of fear and my feeling is stop being so afraid. If something doesn’t work then that’s fine at least then you know it doesn’t work. Don’t worry so much about it not working, you can always fix that.
Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it's because it makes me look more together.
According to the New York Post, Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen are dating. They must be getting serious - Lance gave Ashley his yellow Live Strong bracelet. She wears it as a belt.
You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.
Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.
You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my age... and you have your own TV show.
I don't think anyone should have 20 kids. You need to spread your seed somewhere else. Go shit in your sock once in a while.
I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet.
So, my dad's like, 'You're not a lesbian, are you?' I'm like, 'No, I'm not a lesbian. I sleep with guys all the time.' He's like, 'Well, you're not a hooker, are you?' I'm like, 'No, I'm not a hooker. I don't charge people.'
In a statement to the Associated Press earlier in the year, Jamie Lynn said she didn't have a boyfriend. She said, "I'm keeping my options open." And by options, she meant legs.