Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 11
According to the New York Post, Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen are dating. They must be getting serious - Lance gave Ashley his yellow Live Strong bracelet. She wears it as a belt.
Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.
I know they don’t recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.
So, my dad's like, 'You're not a lesbian, are you?' I'm like, 'No, I'm not a lesbian. I sleep with guys all the time.' He's like, 'Well, you're not a hooker, are you?' I'm like, 'No, I'm not a hooker. I don't charge people.'
I understand that if you're a kid in Indonesia, you need to smoke because you just got off work at the Nike factory.
You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.
Paris Hilton has launched a new champagne in a can called Rich Prosecco. For the ad campaign Paris posed wearing nothing but gold paint. That’s a unique way to cover up herpes.
But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.
I don't think anyone should have 20 kids. You need to spread your seed somewhere else. Go shit in your sock once in a while.
Everyone is coming from a place of fear and my feeling is stop being so afraid. If something doesn’t work then that’s fine at least then you know it doesn’t work. Don’t worry so much about it not working, you can always fix that.
Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it's because it makes me look more together.
You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my age... and you have your own TV show.
Why don't you get me a gift? I'm still single! I don't know if you can register at a liquor store, but I would like to try.