Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 11
According to the New York Post, Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen are dating. They must be getting serious - Lance gave Ashley his yellow Live Strong bracelet. She wears it as a belt.
You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.
When you see the veins popping out of my neck, that's an exclamation point.
What about your constitutional right to bear arms, you say. I would simply point out that you don’t have to exercise a constitutional right just because you have it. You have the constitutional right to run for president of the United States, but most people have too much sense to insist on exercising it.
You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my age... and you have your own TV show.
I understand that if you're a kid in Indonesia, you need to smoke because you just got off work at the Nike factory.
I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet.
Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.
Paris Hilton has launched a new champagne in a can called Rich Prosecco. For the ad campaign Paris posed wearing nothing but gold paint. That’s a unique way to cover up herpes.
So, my dad's like, 'You're not a lesbian, are you?' I'm like, 'No, I'm not a lesbian. I sleep with guys all the time.' He's like, 'Well, you're not a hooker, are you?' I'm like, 'No, I'm not a hooker. I don't charge people.'
Why don't you get me a gift? I'm still single! I don't know if you can register at a liquor store, but I would like to try.
But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.
I don't think anyone should have 20 kids. You need to spread your seed somewhere else. Go shit in your sock once in a while.