Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 11
When you see the veins popping out of my neck, that's an exclamation point.
According to the New York Post, Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen are dating. They must be getting serious - Lance gave Ashley his yellow Live Strong bracelet. She wears it as a belt.
What about your constitutional right to bear arms, you say. I would simply point out that you don’t have to exercise a constitutional right just because you have it. You have the constitutional right to run for president of the United States, but most people have too much sense to insist on exercising it.
Paris Hilton has launched a new champagne in a can called Rich Prosecco. For the ad campaign Paris posed wearing nothing but gold paint. That’s a unique way to cover up herpes.
I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet.
Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.
I understand that if you're a kid in Indonesia, you need to smoke because you just got off work at the Nike factory.
You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.
So, my dad's like, 'You're not a lesbian, are you?' I'm like, 'No, I'm not a lesbian. I sleep with guys all the time.' He's like, 'Well, you're not a hooker, are you?' I'm like, 'No, I'm not a hooker. I don't charge people.'
Why don't you get me a gift? I'm still single! I don't know if you can register at a liquor store, but I would like to try.
You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my age... and you have your own TV show.
But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.
I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.