Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 11

Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.

The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he's still alive.

I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet.

I don’t know what’s going on with Britney. I think by now she’s her own species. We need to catch her, tag her and send her back out into her natural habitat - Starbucks - so we can observe her and learn more about her.

I understand that if you're a kid in Indonesia, you need to smoke because you just got off work at the Nike factory.

Everyone is coming from a place of fear and my feeling is stop being so afraid. If something doesn’t work then that’s fine at least then you know it doesn’t work. Don’t worry so much about it not working, you can always fix that.

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.

In a statement to the Associated Press earlier in the year, Jamie Lynn said she didn't have a boyfriend. She said, "I'm keeping my options open." And by options, she meant legs.

So, my dad's like, 'You're not a lesbian, are you?' I'm like, 'No, I'm not a lesbian. I sleep with guys all the time.' He's like, 'Well, you're not a hooker, are you?' I'm like, 'No, I'm not a hooker. I don't charge people.'

If you can't trust your coke dealer, who can you trust?

Why don't you get me a gift? I'm still single! I don't know if you can register at a liquor store, but I would like to try.

When you see the veins popping out of my neck, that's an exclamation point.

In these tough economic times, everybody has to cut back. I am down to three tabs of ecstasy a day.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.