Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 9

This weekend, Pam Anderson tied the knot with Rick Salomon in Las Vegas. The minister who married them said, ‘Is there anyone here who believes this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony?’ And then he raised his hand.

I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows.

If someone took the ‘F’ letter off me, I’d be ucked.

Tara Reid is charging $3,500 for a personal appearance fee. So, for only $3,500 you can either buy a 1998 Jetta with 130,000 miles on it... or Tara Reid, who only has 98,000 miles on her.

The last time a straight man worked in the fashion industry, we got a fanny pack.

It's hard to tell these days what gender people are. You don't know if they're gay, if they're straight, or Bruce Jenner.

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.

If you wait too long in Vegas, you end up with a chicken finger in your underwear.

And by the way, the fact that she's not speaking to anyone in her family is a pretty good indicator that she is the problem.

I don’t know what’s going on with Britney. I think by now she’s her own species. We need to catch her, tag her and send her back out into her natural habitat - Starbucks - so we can observe her and learn more about her.

Then they have the audacity to go shopping and pick out their own gifts. I want to know who the first person was who said this was okay. After spending all that money on a bachelorette weekend, a shower, and often a flight across the country, they expect you to go to Williams Sonoma or Pottery Barn and do research? Then they send you a thank-you note applauding you for such a thoughtful gift. They're the one who picked it out!

I'd like to go out for a cocktail... or seven.

Look at you, you're handsome... ish.

You don't run into ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends when you're looking good and want to. Last time I ran into an ex-boyfriend was at three o'clock in the morning at Rite Aid, as I'm ringing up Gas X and corn removers. And I'm like, 'Hey, you. What's up? These are for my grandmother, that old bitch.' He's like, 'Aren't they both dead?' I'm like, 'One of them came back, OK? And she's sick.'

Lance Bass has a new autobiography titled Out of Sync. We don’t need to read it, we already know how it ends - Justin is really successful, and Lance is gay.