Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 9

I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows.

You know what they say, when one door closes, another Belvedere opens.

Tara Reid is charging $3,500 for a personal appearance fee. So, for only $3,500 you can either buy a 1998 Jetta with 130,000 miles on it... or Tara Reid, who only has 98,000 miles on her.

Look at you, you're handsome... ish.

If someone took the ‘F’ letter off me, I’d be ucked.

This weekend, Pam Anderson tied the knot with Rick Salomon in Las Vegas. The minister who married them said, ‘Is there anyone here who believes this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony?’ And then he raised his hand.

I haven't been that uncomfortable since I was 13 and my Rabbi tickled my lower back with his beard.

It's hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher.

I'd like to go out for a cocktail... or seven.

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.

Everybody I hire is more fucked up than I am.

Today is both the most romantic day of the year and the busiest day of the year for the suicide hotline.

Lance Bass has a new autobiography titled Out of Sync. We don’t need to read it, we already know how it ends - Justin is really successful, and Lance is gay.

...some of the best sex I can barely remember.

And by the way, the fact that she's not speaking to anyone in her family is a pretty good indicator that she is the problem.