Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 9

If someone took the ‘F’ letter off me, I’d be ucked.

The last time a straight man worked in the fashion industry, we got a fanny pack.

I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows.

This weekend, Pam Anderson tied the knot with Rick Salomon in Las Vegas. The minister who married them said, ‘Is there anyone here who believes this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony?’ And then he raised his hand.

Tara Reid is charging $3,500 for a personal appearance fee. So, for only $3,500 you can either buy a 1998 Jetta with 130,000 miles on it... or Tara Reid, who only has 98,000 miles on her.

It's hard to tell these days what gender people are. You don't know if they're gay, if they're straight, or Bruce Jenner.

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.

And by the way, the fact that she's not speaking to anyone in her family is a pretty good indicator that she is the problem.

Look at you, you're handsome... ish.

Then they have the audacity to go shopping and pick out their own gifts. I want to know who the first person was who said this was okay. After spending all that money on a bachelorette weekend, a shower, and often a flight across the country, they expect you to go to Williams Sonoma or Pottery Barn and do research? Then they send you a thank-you note applauding you for such a thoughtful gift. They're the one who picked it out!

The L. A. Times is reporting that Britney Spears' album Blackout will be number one on the Billboard charts. Not to toot my horn, but I predicted this on my show a week ago. No one wanted to believe me - even I didn't want to believe me, but now I know how Nostradamus feels.

I'd like to go out for a cocktail... or seven.

It's hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher.

I would never get married while my father is still alive because I wouldn't want him to walk me down the aisle.

You don't run into ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends when you're looking good and want to. Last time I ran into an ex-boyfriend was at three o'clock in the morning at Rite Aid, as I'm ringing up Gas X and corn removers. And I'm like, 'Hey, you. What's up? These are for my grandmother, that old bitch.' He's like, 'Aren't they both dead?' I'm like, 'One of them came back, OK? And she's sick.'