Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 12

In a statement to the Associated Press earlier in the year, Jamie Lynn said she didn't have a boyfriend. She said, "I'm keeping my options open." And by options, she meant legs.

When you see the veins popping out of my neck, that's an exclamation point.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

All bitches have a heart.

I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.

I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them.

Drew Carey was the guest on Ellen's breakdown show. You know, the next night, when he was hosting The Price Is Right, he ended his show with "Don't forget to spay and neuter your pets, and for God's sake don't ever take one away from Ellen!"

We spend so much money on these dresses that are terrible. And what do we get out of it? Nothing - a piece of chicken and a roll in the hay with her hillbilly cousin - no thank you. My family's very close; I can do that at home.

I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.

I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.

In these tough economic times, everybody has to cut back. I am down to three tabs of ecstasy a day.

Isn't that just being a whore? You don't need to join a club. Close your legs, sister.

I've never made love to a ghost but I have made love to men who are a few years away from becoming a ghost.

Who's the president on the $100 bill? I don't know. I don't need to know because I don't use cash. I only use travelers checks.

I watched the American Music Awards last night. Beyonce lost in all three of her categories, but she did win a special award - which was our way of saying we still love you but we need to see other people.