Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 12
I know they don’t recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.
According to the New York Post, Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen are dating. They must be getting serious - Lance gave Ashley his yellow Live Strong bracelet. She wears it as a belt.
I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.
I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them.
Drew Carey was the guest on Ellen's breakdown show. You know, the next night, when he was hosting The Price Is Right, he ended his show with "Don't forget to spay and neuter your pets, and for God's sake don't ever take one away from Ellen!"
I don't think anyone should have 20 kids. You need to spread your seed somewhere else. Go shit in your sock once in a while.
You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my age... and you have your own TV show.
I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.
But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.
We spend so much money on these dresses that are terrible. And what do we get out of it? Nothing - a piece of chicken and a roll in the hay with her hillbilly cousin - no thank you. My family's very close; I can do that at home.
Who's the president on the $100 bill? I don't know. I don't need to know because I don't use cash. I only use travelers checks.
I watched the American Music Awards last night. Beyonce lost in all three of her categories, but she did win a special award - which was our way of saying we still love you but we need to see other people.