Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 12
I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them.
But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.
Drew Carey was the guest on Ellen's breakdown show. You know, the next night, when he was hosting The Price Is Right, he ended his show with "Don't forget to spay and neuter your pets, and for God's sake don't ever take one away from Ellen!"
I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.
I've never made love to a ghost but I have made love to men who are a few years away from becoming a ghost.
Isn't that just being a whore? You don't need to join a club. Close your legs, sister.
We spend so much money on these dresses that are terrible. And what do we get out of it? Nothing - a piece of chicken and a roll in the hay with her hillbilly cousin - no thank you. My family's very close; I can do that at home.
In these tough economic times, everybody has to cut back. I am down to three tabs of ecstasy a day.
I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.
Who's the president on the $100 bill? I don't know. I don't need to know because I don't use cash. I only use travelers checks.
I watched the American Music Awards last night. Beyonce lost in all three of her categories, but she did win a special award - which was our way of saying we still love you but we need to see other people.
I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.
Why don't you get me a gift? I'm still single! I don't know if you can register at a liquor store, but I would like to try.