Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 13

Boy George has been charged with falsely imprisoning a man who'd gone to his apartment to pose for photographs. Going to Boy George's house to get your picture taken is like going to David Copperfield's island for a "radio opportunity".

My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.

I'll tell you what can make bacon better... nothing.

I like to stay at home and sit on my ass.

Christina Aguilera finally announced her pregnancy. Thanks for waiting until your third trimester to get the word out - why not just wait until you’re crowning?

Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics - I've never needed a drink more badly in my life.

You got married recently to a rapper. It doesn't take them long to impregnate women.

This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it.

You know that if you leave your underwear on a plane, things did not go the way you intended.

You don’t mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don’t want to be inside of.

Lindsay Lohan fell in love while in rehab. Who wouldn’t? You share meals together, gaze into each other’s eyes, talk about your feelings and share one romantic sunset after another - for roughly $50,000 a month. Pretty pricey, considering a month of eHarmony.com is only $21.

Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office.

You’re all fucked up and that’s kind of attractive.

I like to read naked but only on my iPad so I can use my boob to swipe the page.

It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.