Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 13

I watched the American Music Awards last night. Beyonce lost in all three of her categories, but she did win a special award - which was our way of saying we still love you but we need to see other people.

Christina Aguilera finally announced her pregnancy. Thanks for waiting until your third trimester to get the word out - why not just wait until you’re crowning?

You know that if you leave your underwear on a plane, things did not go the way you intended.

I like to read naked but only on my iPad so I can use my boob to swipe the page.

You got married recently to a rapper. It doesn't take them long to impregnate women.

I like to stay at home and sit on my ass.

Boy George has been charged with falsely imprisoning a man who'd gone to his apartment to pose for photographs. Going to Boy George's house to get your picture taken is like going to David Copperfield's island for a "radio opportunity".

They come over and they go, 'Why don't you come over on Friday night? We're gonna have a bunch of people over. We're gonna have game night. It's gonna be nutty.' Unless we're playing 'Who's Hiding the Ecstasy?' I'm not gonna make it, OK? 'Cause that's my favorite game.

I'll tell you what can make bacon better... nothing.

Lindsay Lohan fell in love while in rehab. Who wouldn’t? You share meals together, gaze into each other’s eyes, talk about your feelings and share one romantic sunset after another - for roughly $50,000 a month. Pretty pricey, considering a month of eHarmony.com is only $21.

Well, I don't live in the past like you, so I don't remember.

You don’t mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don’t want to be inside of.

I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.

Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics - I've never needed a drink more badly in my life.

A Catholic priest who’s been sending threatening notes to Conan O’Brien was charged with stalking in the fourth degree. It just goes to show you that people can become obsessed with redheads.