Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 6
Next to fat babies, midgets are my favorite things to hold. I love them so much, and I want to help them to do adult things like drive cars, Jet-Ski, and lip-synch. I’m in awe of their little limbs, their large craniums, and their medicine-ball asses. I love the little baby steps they take while shifting their weight from side to side, and the fact that when you knock one over accidentally, he flails like a turtle on its back that can’t get up right away.
I have more respect for somebody who's like, 'Yeah I like to party, so screw off,' then for Tara , who talks about not partying and ends up passed out underneath a Subway, not a subway station, but the actual sandwich shop - two days later.
I wanted to kick Bruce in the taint. No one is just one thing. Many things contribute to the whole of a person, and just because vodka accounts for 50 percent of my body weight, that doesn't mean I walk around with a vodka drip, forcing every plant, person, or animal to imbibe. I've always had a disliking for animal trainers, and this guy cemented my theory that people who chaperone animals for a living have never had a girl sit on their face.
"According to Life & Style Weekly, 50 Cent may be working on Lindsay Lohan’s next album. Finally, a match made in rap heaven. He’s a convicted drug dealer who’s been shot nine times, and she spent 84 minutes in prison. This is a big step for Lindsay. The last time Lindsay got near a black guy she ran over his foot.
My theory about Taylor Swift is that she's a virgin, that everyone breaks up with her because they date her for two weeks and she's like, 'I'm not gonna do it'.
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes reportedly sleep in separate bedrooms of their mansion, because Tom snores. They also have their own bathrooms... in case Katie has to get up in the middle of the night and ask Tom’s permission to pee.
Just because she’s singing about drugs, doesn’t mean she’s doing them. Ricky Martin sings about girls all the time.
I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.
I don't like people who have babies and act like they did something that the rest of us can't figure out. Anybody can have one, OK? I could have had three if I had gone through with any of my pregnancies.
I have a question. Do you guys think it's OK to drink while you're pregnant if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?
I had sex with a couple guys but it wasn't a baseball team. I saved that for my twenties.
The only thing worse than dating a single mom is dating a single mom that won't put out.
It looks like Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are ‘taking a break.’ Their engagement is off, and Heidi is going back to Colorado. This is really sad for Heidi and for all the Hills fans and for the entire state of Colorado.