Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 7
Or people who have one baby and go buy a minivan... how big is your baby?
Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon just got themselves a marriage license. I think before she gets married again Pam needs to slow down and think about whether this is really the man she wants to spend three or four months of her life with.
Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor' - always fun to be around but she doesn't have any patience for suffering unless it's her own.
Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.
I thought about becoming a lesbian. Those bitches look like they're having a helluva time, don't they? But then you gotta get into the whole lesbian scene, you know, and go buy hiking boots and a truck. And then, who pays for shit? I guess the guy who's watching, but what if he's not there?
Is Heather McDonald your best friend? You better get a new one.
"This is no way to run a business," I told Dim Sum, and then looked at Tons of Fun. "And you might want to lay off the carbs, you fucking wildebeest."
Why would you go out and not drink? Just stay home and sit there.
Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings.
Paula Abdul’s really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she’s going to go crazy-er.
Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn’t be telling their wife about it.
For the first two seasons, Dr. Phil had everyone believing he wasn't an egotistical jackass.
This women killer was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos are always so skinny.
I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more to the table than cats or those godforsaken ferrets, but I don't think it's healthy for people to treat their dogs like they are real people.