Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 8

Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings.

People tend to call me names that I can't repeat on basic cable. I will give you a hint. They rhyme with "itch," "hunt," & "bore."

This women killer was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos are always so skinny.

Paula Abdul’s really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she’s going to go crazy-er.

If diamonds are a girl's best friend, I wonder if blood diamonds are a girl's best friend 5 days out of the month?

The problem with the suspenders my mother bought for him is that he hasn't adjusted the straps since he got them. So instead of attaching somewhere around his midsection, the suspenders clip onto his pants three inches below his nipples. Now picture the suspenders attached to sweatpants. This vision is what first led me to coin the term "camel balls".

The last time a straight man worked in the fashion industry, we got a fanny pack.

The only thing worse than dating a single mom is dating a single mom that won't put out.

I got a vibrator that needed two nine volt batteries. What am I - R2D2? I don't know what to do with that.

When I don't know what to do, I just open my mouth. Why won't anyone date me?

I hate when people refer to themselves as Mommy. Your daughter knows who the fuck you are!

An L. A. County Superior Court judge issued an order today taking custody of Britney’s two children away from her. K-Fed was surprised when Larry Birkhead swooped in at the last moment and grabbed them for himself.

It's hard to tell these days what gender people are. You don't know if they're gay, if they're straight, or Bruce Jenner.

If your name is 'Christina' and you spell it 'Xtina', there’s a 99% chance you've given your stepdad a blowjob.

He's so pissed off 'cause he probably thought he was, like, scoring the biggest deal of his lifetime, getting adopted by this famous movie star, who was gonna rescue him from his third world Cambodia, only to find out she's gonna take him to every other fucking third world country in the world. He's probably like, 'When the fuck are we getting to Malibu like you promised?'