Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 8
There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.
Katie Holmes told In Style magazine that Tom’s turned on by the sight of her in a suit and miniskirt. Tom also likes it when Katie wears the monitoring bracelet on her ankle.
If your name is 'Christina' and you spell it 'Xtina', there’s a 99% chance you've given your stepdad a blowjob.
Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate.
I haven't been that uncomfortable since I was 13 and my Rabbi tickled my lower back with his beard.
He's so pissed off 'cause he probably thought he was, like, scoring the biggest deal of his lifetime, getting adopted by this famous movie star, who was gonna rescue him from his third world Cambodia, only to find out she's gonna take him to every other fucking third world country in the world. He's probably like, 'When the fuck are we getting to Malibu like you promised?'
The snake is 20 inches long and black so if we need someone to find it, call the Kardashians.
If diamonds are a girl's best friend, I wonder if blood diamonds are a girl's best friend 5 days out of the month?
I hate when people refer to themselves as Mommy. Your daughter knows who the fuck you are!
When I don't know what to do, I just open my mouth. Why won't anyone date me?
People tend to call me names that I can't repeat on basic cable. I will give you a hint. They rhyme with "itch," "hunt," & "bore."
The problem with the suspenders my mother bought for him is that he hasn't adjusted the straps since he got them. So instead of attaching somewhere around his midsection, the suspenders clip onto his pants three inches below his nipples. Now picture the suspenders attached to sweatpants. This vision is what first led me to coin the term "camel balls".
I got a vibrator that needed two nine volt batteries. What am I - R2D2? I don't know what to do with that.