Quotes & Jokes by Chris Rock / page 12

If you see a black woman with an overweight white man, you know she got effed up credit!

Comedy is a group activity, a verbal orgy.

I've been married for 10 years and, you know, it's hard, you spruce it up and you go places. How do you spruce up anything? Artificially. You go places and do things.

Black movies don't have real names, they have names like Barbershop. That's not a name, that's just a location.

By the time I was 7 or 8, I wanted to be a comedy writer.

'Cause every woman in here, ever since you were … every guy you met has been trying to fuck you. That's right.

It's weird with stand-up comedy. It doesn't really translate worldwide. I want to figure out how do I make it worldwide. Do a special in Africa. Can't beat that. Pull that off, then I will have done something.

Oprah is rich, Bill Gates is wealthy. If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah's money, he'd jump out a fuckin' window and slit his throat on the way down saying, "I can't even put gas in my plane!"

If you mention to a woman that the song is disgusting and mysoginistic, they all give you the same answer: "He ain't talking 'bout me!" Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick … He said your name! "No, he didn't!" Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick …

I like talking about subjects that aren't funny in the first place and making them funny. So anything down and depressing is something I'll talk about.

Before I was a comedian, I thought the coolest thing that would happen to me was to be a teenager. Boy, was I wrong.

Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.

Women would rule the world - if only they'd stop bitchin' about each other.

You don't need a critic to tell you people aren't laughing.

Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself.