Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 10
I found someones passport on the ground tonight. Where do you sell these things?
Three weeks ago one of my dreams came true. I finally got to see something I always wanted to witness live. I finally saw someone get hit by a car... Nailed!
I could take my time, and nobody was pressuring me to be a headliner. I could go up there, find my voice, and figure out what I wanted to do.
When you delete pictures of your ex off your phone, it feels lighter.
It’s the worst feeling when you come home alone late at night and think the stranger sitting on your couch is a pile of clothes.
You must accept responsibility for your actions. This doesn't include reactions, interactions or transactions if you're thinkin' loophole.
I'm in a new club, by the way. And I don't know if you're first timers like I am, but I'm in the 'I Just Dropped My Cell Phone In My Own Piss' Club. Have you done that? Yeah, good times. I'm on the phone and I forget that I'm using shoulder technique. Urinals were taken so I went in to use the regular john. And as I'm standing there, mid-conversation, I'm like 'Are you serious?' and it just started to toboggan right down my powerful chest.
I never throw parties. Ya know why? Because afterward you always walk around going "What the fuck did they take? Where’s my mom?"
If you’re dating someone that says they’ve “got their priorities in order” that’s code for, “I’m spiraling out of control.”
Wouldn't it be awesome just to come home and know that somewhere in your place there's a monkey you're gonna battle?I hate it when somebody turns around in my driveway. You're just sitting comfortably, watching T, you hear a car pulling up. Like, "Who is this?!" It's so disruptive. You look out: strange car, you don't know if it's a government official. You start getting concerned "What, I don't know this car!" Then they turn to leave. You're like, "You son of a bitch! You wasted moments of my life! Moments I will never get back!"