Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 10
You ever do a little delete game? Do you like to do that? You go through, you take your contactlist, sometimes you're just in the doctor's office right? You start scrolling through, you're like... who don't I need? Who don't I need in my life?
If you're saying what are penguins like, they're a bit persnickety, I'll say that... Um, thank you, I have a thesaurus in my house.
She'll take 3-5 steps, always 3-5 then she'll turn and just over her shoulder say, "well your dumb like your father."
Dear girl seductively sucking a lollipop in her pics. We get it. It's a cock. A yummy peen. Too nail on the head.
I found someones passport on the ground tonight. Where do you sell these things?
When you delete pictures of your ex off your phone, it feels lighter.
I would still have old ladies come up to me after the show and pat me on the cheek after I had said all this vulgar stuff. They would be like, 'Oh you're a silly boy - we know you're just playing.'
I'm in a new club, by the way. And I don't know if you're first timers like I am, but I'm in the 'I Just Dropped My Cell Phone In My Own Piss' Club. Have you done that? Yeah, good times. I'm on the phone and I forget that I'm using shoulder technique. Urinals were taken so I went in to use the regular john. And as I'm standing there, mid-conversation, I'm like 'Are you serious?' and it just started to toboggan right down my powerful chest.
I could take my time, and nobody was pressuring me to be a headliner. I could go up there, find my voice, and figure out what I wanted to do.
My brother Darryl, he's the manager and I'm like this is going to be awesome because my bro, manager, is going to hook me up, he was a dick! He thought he was the Burger King, you know what I'm saying? He would put me on drive through every single night. Why do people insist on yelling at the drive through?
I grew up very self-loathing. I was a phobic. I had anxiety. I had panic attacks.