Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 11

If you’re dating someone that says they’ve “got their priorities in order” that’s code for, “I’m spiraling out of control.”

You're with someone for like 2 weeks in and you're like, "Fuck, no way. I can't stand this person. I'll stay around for 5-6 years and we can end this thing violently, I got time.

If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are "geographically undesirable."

Wouldn't it be awesome just to come home and know that somewhere in your place there's a monkey you're gonna battle?I hate it when somebody turns around in my driveway. You're just sitting comfortably, watching T, you hear a car pulling up. Like, "Who is this?!" It's so disruptive. You look out: strange car, you don't know if it's a government official. You start getting concerned "What, I don't know this car!" Then they turn to leave. You're like, "You son of a bitch! You wasted moments of my life! Moments I will never get back!"

Created a word game to play with a person you're fighting with. Silent Treatment. Nothing happens until one of you quietly says, "Hey, you hungry?"

I never throw parties. Ya know why? Because afterward you always walk around going "What the fuck did they take? Where’s my mom?"

No one wants to drown. Drowning would be the worst. Cause everyone knows that feeling. That feeling, oh it's the worst... when you think you're drowning.

People that are “cautiously optimistic” are not interesting. I’d rather hang with someone who is “dangerously pessimistic.”

I was literally cheated on...I woke up and they were on top of me.

You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I’m the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky.

It was peace. Peace is when you would shake the hands of the people around you. And you knew peace was coming because the priest would say it five times rapid fire. He'd go, "My peace I leave, my peace I give to you. While we ate Reese's Pieces with the Lord. And I have a piece of lint in my peaceful eye!"

Teach your kids to make deplorable choices and hopefully they’ll rebel and make the right ones.

I feel like people who don’t brag are trying to make you jealous by thinking they’re hiding something more even exciting.

I have a new saying, what I see in Vegas, I am telling everybody.

How great if, as well as creating life in their womb, a woman could use her vagina to make hot fudge sundaes.