Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 11
If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are "geographically undesirable."
Dear girl seductively sucking a lollipop in her pics. We get it. It's a cock. A yummy peen. Too nail on the head.
She'll take 3-5 steps, always 3-5 then she'll turn and just over her shoulder say, "well your dumb like your father."
People that are “cautiously optimistic” are not interesting. I’d rather hang with someone who is “dangerously pessimistic.”
You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I’m the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky.
It was peace. Peace is when you would shake the hands of the people around you. And you knew peace was coming because the priest would say it five times rapid fire. He'd go, "My peace I leave, my peace I give to you. While we ate Reese's Pieces with the Lord. And I have a piece of lint in my peaceful eye!"
My brother Darryl, he's the manager and I'm like this is going to be awesome because my bro, manager, is going to hook me up, he was a dick! He thought he was the Burger King, you know what I'm saying? He would put me on drive through every single night. Why do people insist on yelling at the drive through?
How great if, as well as creating life in their womb, a woman could use her vagina to make hot fudge sundaes.
I feel like people who don’t brag are trying to make you jealous by thinking they’re hiding something more even exciting.
Text a guy you like right now, "I'm thinking about you." If he says, "mmm are you in bed?" Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron.
I would still have old ladies come up to me after the show and pat me on the cheek after I had said all this vulgar stuff. They would be like, 'Oh you're a silly boy - we know you're just playing.'
Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.