Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 9
My favorite sexual position is when the girl is facing Mecca and I am fighting off a wolf.
It's not for any purpose such as religion, health, or things like that, I just never felt I had the need or want to drink or do drugs.
You know what's so weird, why does this happen? This is a weird thing... phenomena. Alright. Sometimes guys, you're having sex right, and everything's going great, everything's, you know, NEAUNNNNEEEEEAAAUUU, right? When all of a sudden, there's a voice that comes into our brains and starts telling us to say shit. Like, "Yeah, say that, say that, it's perfect. Say that right now," right? So you're like, "Yeah, fucking say that," and you just grab her hair and you whisper, "Eeeyeaa," and you don't think about it, you just say it . "Yeaaah, fucking say things. You hear what I say? You like that, huh?"
How do you fall into a lion's den, that is my first question there, you think you would be extra carefull around a den of lions.
If you’re “willing to die” for a cause you should really find some other less potential death related interests.
I'm curious by individuals that embrace half a story so they can justify how incomplete they feel about their own self worth.
When you swear to God, its true. Right now God is watching and saying, "this is true."
You must accept responsibility for your actions. This doesn't include reactions, interactions or transactions if you're thinkin' loophole.
I don't like when juice wears tights, its a horrible combination when juice wears tights.
Three weeks ago one of my dreams came true. I finally got to see something I always wanted to witness live. I finally saw someone get hit by a car... Nailed!
When a guy says "I have no idea what you're talking about" it means "I'm thinking of exactly what you're saying I did while I lie to you."