Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 12

Text a guy you like right now, "I'm thinking about you." If he says, "mmm are you in bed?" Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

So it's dark and the movie already started. And that first part of the movie is always some fucking cave scene and you're just like, "Can they just flashback to a beach scene for like ten god damn seconds?"

Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic.

I love singing along to the radio while I’m riding in the back of a squad car.

Listening to Evanescence makes me want to break up with a girl in real time as a giant antique hourglass falls to the floor in slow motion.

We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits.

My grandmother died of natural causes. Or as my family calls it murdered by the lord.

I like the mocha cappuccino orgasm myself.

Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes.

I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it's with an elderly person holding a baby.

I invite her back to my apartment, or as I call it, the "Death Star." I'm still working on it, it's not completely operational.

My nickname for my mom was 'The Compass.'

I think an invisible shit monster just dumped in my fridge but I can't figure out where the stank is coming from.

We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments.