Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 12

Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic.

I feel like people who don’t brag are trying to make you jealous by thinking they’re hiding something more even exciting.

Text a guy you like right now, "I'm thinking about you." If he says, "mmm are you in bed?" Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron.

We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits.

I have a new saying, what I see in Vegas, I am telling everybody.

I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.

My grandmother died of natural causes. Or as my family calls it murdered by the lord.

Listening to Evanescence makes me want to break up with a girl in real time as a giant antique hourglass falls to the floor in slow motion.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it's with an elderly person holding a baby.

I like the mocha cappuccino orgasm myself.

If you’re drunk please don’t drive. If you’re on shrooms please don’t think Walmart’s a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.

Has anyone here ever been fully engulfed in fire? It's gotta be so hot!

I think an invisible shit monster just dumped in my fridge but I can't figure out where the stank is coming from.

I invite her back to my apartment, or as I call it, the "Death Star." I'm still working on it, it's not completely operational.