Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 12

Text a guy you like right now, "I'm thinking about you." If he says, "mmm are you in bed?" Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron.

You're with someone for like 2 weeks in and you're like, "Fuck, no way. I can't stand this person. I'll stay around for 5-6 years and we can end this thing violently, I got time.

I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.

I was literally cheated on...I woke up and they were on top of me.

I never throw parties. Ya know why? Because afterward you always walk around going "What the fuck did they take? Where’s my mom?"

Ma’am, are you trying to molest me via drivethru?

My grandmother died of natural causes. Or as my family calls it murdered by the lord.

We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits.

Listening to Evanescence makes me want to break up with a girl in real time as a giant antique hourglass falls to the floor in slow motion.

You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I’m the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky.

I like the mocha cappuccino orgasm myself.

Video games don’t make people go nuts. I played Super Mario forever. Not once hopping on a turtle or smash my head through a brick ceiling.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it's with an elderly person holding a baby.

I invite her back to my apartment, or as I call it, the "Death Star." I'm still working on it, it's not completely operational.