Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 12

I love singing along to the radio while I’m riding in the back of a squad car.

Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic.

Text a guy you like right now, "I'm thinking about you." If he says, "mmm are you in bed?" Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron.

I have a new saying, what I see in Vegas, I am telling everybody.

We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits.

My grandmother died of natural causes. Or as my family calls it murdered by the lord.

Listening to Evanescence makes me want to break up with a girl in real time as a giant antique hourglass falls to the floor in slow motion.

I like the mocha cappuccino orgasm myself.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

If you’re drunk please don’t drive. If you’re on shrooms please don’t think Walmart’s a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.

I think an invisible shit monster just dumped in my fridge but I can't figure out where the stank is coming from.

I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.

I invite her back to my apartment, or as I call it, the "Death Star." I'm still working on it, it's not completely operational.

I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it's with an elderly person holding a baby.

Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes.