Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 13
Has anyone here ever been fully engulfed in fire? It's gotta be so hot!
I'm fine, I am just going to go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush.
It’s amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.
Drive, ego and cocksureness are all essential elements in terms of getting exactly what you want but losing everything you've got.
Video games don’t make people go nuts. I played Super Mario forever. Not once hopping on a turtle or smash my head through a brick ceiling.
Here's when you know it's really really bad, when even the hookers in Grand Theft Auto ignore your car and walk away. The hookers in the game, then you have to follow them into an alley way, smash them with a mail box and steal their floating money. That's all I do when I play Grand Theft Auto, I don't even do the missions, I kill hookers and steal that sack of floating money. What if you could go somewhere, kill a hooker and her money could just float. You don't even need to pick it up you just walk through it and your body absorbs it. Playing that game, I thought it was like watching a documentary. Very similar to life, do this you wanna try it? Shoot a cop in the face, when all the back-up comes and tries to find you, just like in the game, hide behind a dumpster for 35 seconds, they'll call off the whole god damn search.
You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram.
When you walk into the public restroom, why is everything fucking wet?
You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.
If you're 1 of the 3 girls in pics with a greaseball whose arms are around you at a club you lose at life. If you're the greaseball you win.
I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.
Vince Vaughn is a genuine person, awesome guy. He'll come to a lot of my shows. It's not that often that you can meet someone as cool as Vince.
When I'm wrong I'm like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he'll turn Luke. Yet, when I'm right I'm a Jedi like my father before me.