Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 13
I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it's with an elderly person holding a baby.
This is a dream come true. HBO is the highest echelon in the world for a stand-up comedian to attain. Throughout my career I've trusted my instincts to lead me down the right path, and I am honored to work together with this network while contributing to the legacy that is HBO.
I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.
Has anyone here ever been fully engulfed in fire? It's gotta be so hot!
It’s amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.
You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.
Here's when you know it's really really bad, when even the hookers in Grand Theft Auto ignore your car and walk away. The hookers in the game, then you have to follow them into an alley way, smash them with a mail box and steal their floating money. That's all I do when I play Grand Theft Auto, I don't even do the missions, I kill hookers and steal that sack of floating money. What if you could go somewhere, kill a hooker and her money could just float. You don't even need to pick it up you just walk through it and your body absorbs it. Playing that game, I thought it was like watching a documentary. Very similar to life, do this you wanna try it? Shoot a cop in the face, when all the back-up comes and tries to find you, just like in the game, hide behind a dumpster for 35 seconds, they'll call off the whole god damn search.
Drive, ego and cocksureness are all essential elements in terms of getting exactly what you want but losing everything you've got.
When I'm wrong I'm like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he'll turn Luke. Yet, when I'm right I'm a Jedi like my father before me.
One night after a show he gave me a gift. When I opened up the bag, he had made out of clay and dried macaroni a model of the universe with the planets and everything. Then in the middle of the model was an action figure with my face on it. I was the center of his universe.
Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes.
Vince Vaughn is a genuine person, awesome guy. He'll come to a lot of my shows. It's not that often that you can meet someone as cool as Vince.