Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 13

My nickname for my mom was 'The Compass.'

It’s amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.

Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes.

This is a dream come true. HBO is the highest echelon in the world for a stand-up comedian to attain. Throughout my career I've trusted my instincts to lead me down the right path, and I am honored to work together with this network while contributing to the legacy that is HBO.

When you walk into the public restroom, why is everything fucking wet?

Video games don’t make people go nuts. I played Super Mario forever. Not once hopping on a turtle or smash my head through a brick ceiling.

Drive, ego and cocksureness are all essential elements in terms of getting exactly what you want but losing everything you've got.

We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments.

Here's when you know it's really really bad, when even the hookers in Grand Theft Auto ignore your car and walk away. The hookers in the game, then you have to follow them into an alley way, smash them with a mail box and steal their floating money. That's all I do when I play Grand Theft Auto, I don't even do the missions, I kill hookers and steal that sack of floating money. What if you could go somewhere, kill a hooker and her money could just float. You don't even need to pick it up you just walk through it and your body absorbs it. Playing that game, I thought it was like watching a documentary. Very similar to life, do this you wanna try it? Shoot a cop in the face, when all the back-up comes and tries to find you, just like in the game, hide behind a dumpster for 35 seconds, they'll call off the whole god damn search.

I'm fine, I am just going to go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush.

If somebody calls and messes with you on the phone like that you don't become terrified, you mess back. If somebody calls and was like "have you checked the children?" I'd be like "I killed them!"

If you're 1 of the 3 girls in pics with a greaseball whose arms are around you at a club you lose at life. If you're the greaseball you win.

Ma’am, are you trying to molest me via drivethru?

I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.

I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.