Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 13
I think an invisible shit monster just dumped in my fridge but I can't figure out where the stank is coming from.
This is a dream come true. HBO is the highest echelon in the world for a stand-up comedian to attain. Throughout my career I've trusted my instincts to lead me down the right path, and I am honored to work together with this network while contributing to the legacy that is HBO.
It’s amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.
Has anyone here ever been fully engulfed in fire? It's gotta be so hot!
I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.
You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.
Drive, ego and cocksureness are all essential elements in terms of getting exactly what you want but losing everything you've got.
Here's when you know it's really really bad, when even the hookers in Grand Theft Auto ignore your car and walk away. The hookers in the game, then you have to follow them into an alley way, smash them with a mail box and steal their floating money. That's all I do when I play Grand Theft Auto, I don't even do the missions, I kill hookers and steal that sack of floating money. What if you could go somewhere, kill a hooker and her money could just float. You don't even need to pick it up you just walk through it and your body absorbs it. Playing that game, I thought it was like watching a documentary. Very similar to life, do this you wanna try it? Shoot a cop in the face, when all the back-up comes and tries to find you, just like in the game, hide behind a dumpster for 35 seconds, they'll call off the whole god damn search.
When I'm wrong I'm like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he'll turn Luke. Yet, when I'm right I'm a Jedi like my father before me.
I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.
Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes.
Life is too short to waste your time, energy and love on a fucking asshole.
Vince Vaughn is a genuine person, awesome guy. He'll come to a lot of my shows. It's not that often that you can meet someone as cool as Vince.