Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 13

When I'm wrong I'm like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he'll turn Luke. Yet, when I'm right I'm a Jedi like my father before me.

I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.

It’s amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.

You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram.

Girls that prevent other girls from getting laid - twat swatters.

Teach your kids to make deplorable choices and hopefully they’ll rebel and make the right ones.

I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.

Life is too short to waste your time, energy and love on a fucking asshole.

Don't let's someone walk all over you unless you're into that kind of thing.

I like the mocha cappuccino orgasm myself.

I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.

Why do they call it the restroom? Is there anybody just resting in this room?

It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."

When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.

I love singing along to the radio while I’m riding in the back of a squad car.