Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 14
I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.
If somebody calls and messes with you on the phone like that you don't become terrified, you mess back. If somebody calls and was like "have you checked the children?" I'd be like "I killed them!"
I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.
One night after a show he gave me a gift. When I opened up the bag, he had made out of clay and dried macaroni a model of the universe with the planets and everything. Then in the middle of the model was an action figure with my face on it. I was the center of his universe.
It was a personal achievement of mine to get on David Letterman. When I got there, I knew things were really happening for me.
The little boy inside of all us men always loves something video game related.
I’m more of a glass empty kinda guy. I look at it as having more room for ice.
Don't let's someone walk all over you unless you're into that kind of thing.
I believe in people getting what's coming to them but don't hold grudges either. We all hurt people, fail and hopefully grow from adversity. Basically, eat shit and thrive.
This is a dream come true. HBO is the highest echelon in the world for a stand-up comedian to attain. Throughout my career I've trusted my instincts to lead me down the right path, and I am honored to work together with this network while contributing to the legacy that is HBO.
Why do they call it the restroom? Is there anybody just resting in this room?
Life is too short to waste your time, energy and love on a fucking asshole.