Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 14

I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.

When you walk into the public restroom, why is everything fucking wet?

I'm fine, I am just going to go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush.

I’m more of a glass empty kinda guy. I look at it as having more room for ice.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

If you're 1 of the 3 girls in pics with a greaseball whose arms are around you at a club you lose at life. If you're the greaseball you win.

You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram.

When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.

If somebody calls and messes with you on the phone like that you don't become terrified, you mess back. If somebody calls and was like "have you checked the children?" I'd be like "I killed them!"

You've gotta share what's going on in your mind.

I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. If I'm at home, I'm usually in my office editing or reconstructing my website or whatever it may be. I just love putting creativity into a performance, so if the right script comes along, and I certainly am reading comedies and dramas now, then I'm ready willing and able to give it a shot.

You can’t become tempted if you just give in a little quicker.

Girls that prevent other girls from getting laid - twat swatters.

When you and your friends are just hanging out, you don't consider your buddies to have one specific style of comedy, you just like to shoot the shit, and whatever is funny works. And that's my mentality on stage. I don't care to be like "I'm the performer. Sit, listen, and laugh." I want it to feel like we're all just hanging out. And that's how I tell my stories.

When I first hit the scene, it was just a lot of go, go, go, go, go. I have a lot of natural energy anyway, but it was over the top.