Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 14

Vince Vaughn is a genuine person, awesome guy. He'll come to a lot of my shows. It's not that often that you can meet someone as cool as Vince.

You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram.

If somebody calls and messes with you on the phone like that you don't become terrified, you mess back. If somebody calls and was like "have you checked the children?" I'd be like "I killed them!"

You've gotta share what's going on in your mind.

I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.

When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.

I’m more of a glass empty kinda guy. I look at it as having more room for ice.

You can’t become tempted if you just give in a little quicker.

Life is too short to waste your time, energy and love on a fucking asshole.

I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. If I'm at home, I'm usually in my office editing or reconstructing my website or whatever it may be. I just love putting creativity into a performance, so if the right script comes along, and I certainly am reading comedies and dramas now, then I'm ready willing and able to give it a shot.

Girls that prevent other girls from getting laid - twat swatters.

I believe in people getting what's coming to them but don't hold grudges either. We all hurt people, fail and hopefully grow from adversity. Basically, eat shit and thrive.

It was a personal achievement of mine to get on David Letterman. When I got there, I knew things were really happening for me.