Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 14
Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."
It was a personal achievement of mine to get on David Letterman. When I got there, I knew things were really happening for me.
Life is too short to waste your time, energy and love on a fucking asshole.
Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes.
I’m more of a glass empty kinda guy. I look at it as having more room for ice.
Don't let's someone walk all over you unless you're into that kind of thing.
If somebody calls and messes with you on the phone like that you don't become terrified, you mess back. If somebody calls and was like "have you checked the children?" I'd be like "I killed them!"
One night after a show he gave me a gift. When I opened up the bag, he had made out of clay and dried macaroni a model of the universe with the planets and everything. Then in the middle of the model was an action figure with my face on it. I was the center of his universe.
The little boy inside of all us men always loves something video game related.
When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.
I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. If I'm at home, I'm usually in my office editing or reconstructing my website or whatever it may be. I just love putting creativity into a performance, so if the right script comes along, and I certainly am reading comedies and dramas now, then I'm ready willing and able to give it a shot.
This is a dream come true. HBO is the highest echelon in the world for a stand-up comedian to attain. Throughout my career I've trusted my instincts to lead me down the right path, and I am honored to work together with this network while contributing to the legacy that is HBO.
I’m making a porno film today. Well, kinda. There’s no sex or people in it. It’s mainly time lapse video of landscapes eroding over time.