Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 14

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

When I'm wrong I'm like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he'll turn Luke. Yet, when I'm right I'm a Jedi like my father before me.

This is a dream come true. HBO is the highest echelon in the world for a stand-up comedian to attain. Throughout my career I've trusted my instincts to lead me down the right path, and I am honored to work together with this network while contributing to the legacy that is HBO.

I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.

You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram.

When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.

I believe in people getting what's coming to them but don't hold grudges either. We all hurt people, fail and hopefully grow from adversity. Basically, eat shit and thrive.

You've gotta share what's going on in your mind.

I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.

One night after a show he gave me a gift. When I opened up the bag, he had made out of clay and dried macaroni a model of the universe with the planets and everything. Then in the middle of the model was an action figure with my face on it. I was the center of his universe.

Girls that prevent other girls from getting laid - twat swatters.

Don't let's someone walk all over you unless you're into that kind of thing.

In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.

You can’t become tempted if you just give in a little quicker.

I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. If I'm at home, I'm usually in my office editing or reconstructing my website or whatever it may be. I just love putting creativity into a performance, so if the right script comes along, and I certainly am reading comedies and dramas now, then I'm ready willing and able to give it a shot.