Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 14

If somebody calls and messes with you on the phone like that you don't become terrified, you mess back. If somebody calls and was like "have you checked the children?" I'd be like "I killed them!"

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.

When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.

You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram.

When I'm wrong I'm like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he'll turn Luke. Yet, when I'm right I'm a Jedi like my father before me.

One night after a show he gave me a gift. When I opened up the bag, he had made out of clay and dried macaroni a model of the universe with the planets and everything. Then in the middle of the model was an action figure with my face on it. I was the center of his universe.

You've gotta share what's going on in your mind.

I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.

I believe in people getting what's coming to them but don't hold grudges either. We all hurt people, fail and hopefully grow from adversity. Basically, eat shit and thrive.

Girls that prevent other girls from getting laid - twat swatters.

You can’t become tempted if you just give in a little quicker.

I’m more of a glass empty kinda guy. I look at it as having more room for ice.

Don't let's someone walk all over you unless you're into that kind of thing.

I'm glad that my parents missed one thing that was really unbelievable. They saw me hit this great success. It was a blast and we had a lot of laughs. And it was just an amazing time. They passed away. And then after I got, you know, famous, all these haters came out of nowhere.