Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 15
You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram.
In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.
Here’s another way to be remembered, and this one, this is more personal. It’s more for you because nobody is ever going to know that it was you, but you’ll know, and that’s all that matters. Next time you go to a party, a great big party, go into the room where all the coats are: Shit on the coats. Guaranteed, at some point somebody’s gonna walk out of that room and go, "Someone shit on the coats!"
I’m making a porno film today. Well, kinda. There’s no sex or people in it. It’s mainly time lapse video of landscapes eroding over time.
It's hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can't find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar.
Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.
I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.
When you and your friends are just hanging out, you don't consider your buddies to have one specific style of comedy, you just like to shoot the shit, and whatever is funny works. And that's my mentality on stage. I don't care to be like "I'm the performer. Sit, listen, and laugh." I want it to feel like we're all just hanging out. And that's how I tell my stories.
True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!
I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"