Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 16
Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.
It was a personal achievement of mine to get on David Letterman. When I got there, I knew things were really happening for me.
I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.
Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."
I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.
I believe in people getting what's coming to them but don't hold grudges either. We all hurt people, fail and hopefully grow from adversity. Basically, eat shit and thrive.
True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!
I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"
I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'
When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.