Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 16

It was a personal achievement of mine to get on David Letterman. When I got there, I knew things were really happening for me.

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

It really drives me banana sangwich.

In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"

I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.

You know you're drunk when you think that the cab fare is the time.

You never make secret hallways normal height, they always have to be uncomfortable. Like Why the fuck did I build them like this?! Where's my Lab!?!