Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 16
Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.
It was a personal achievement of mine to get on David Letterman. When I got there, I knew things were really happening for me.
In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.
True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!
I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.
People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.
I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.
I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"
I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.
I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'
I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.