Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 16
Vince Vaughn is a genuine person, awesome guy. He'll come to a lot of my shows. It's not that often that you can meet someone as cool as Vince.
It's hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can't find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar.
Here’s another way to be remembered, and this one, this is more personal. It’s more for you because nobody is ever going to know that it was you, but you’ll know, and that’s all that matters. Next time you go to a party, a great big party, go into the room where all the coats are: Shit on the coats. Guaranteed, at some point somebody’s gonna walk out of that room and go, "Someone shit on the coats!"
Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.
I don't have to do anything for anyone else's benefit anymore. I just want to exceed my own expectations.
If you’re drunk please don’t drive. If you’re on shrooms please don’t think Walmart’s a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.
It's easy to point the finger at someone else and place blame. Go head try it it's fun. Pick anyone and start blame placing the shit outta them.
I believe in people getting what's coming to them but don't hold grudges either. We all hurt people, fail and hopefully grow from adversity. Basically, eat shit and thrive.
Sometimes girls act all TNT Network because they know drama. That's when guys get all TBS around you because we think it's very funny.
I'm willing to write a check for $10,000 if someone can bring to me what I fell is ruining thousands of lives, destroying lives everyday. And I know that you know it's a little thing called Chupacabra.
My grandmother died of natural causes. Or as my family calls it murdered by the lord.
I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.