Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 16
I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"
Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.
I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.
True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!
Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."
I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.
When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.
I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'
People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.
I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.
I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"