Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 16

290 quotes

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments.

When you and your friends are just hanging out, you don't consider your buddies to have one specific style of comedy, you just like to shoot the shit, and whatever is funny works. And that's my mentality on stage. I don't care to be like "I'm the performer. Sit, listen, and laugh." I want it to feel like we're all just hanging out. And that's how I tell my stories.

You never make secret hallways normal height, they always have to be uncomfortable. Like Why the fuck did I build them like this?! Where's my Lab!?!

It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single and lonely then it's called Laundry Day.

I'm always going to be someone that people enjoy watching.

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.

I'm really great in other peoples relationships.

You know you're drunk when you think that the cab fare is the time.

Here’s another way to be remembered, and this one, this is more personal. It’s more for you because nobody is ever going to know that it was you, but you’ll know, and that’s all that matters. Next time you go to a party, a great big party, go into the room where all the coats are: Shit on the coats. Guaranteed, at some point somebody’s gonna walk out of that room and go, "Someone shit on the coats!"

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.