Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 17

I get so into the moment.

I've heard on the news that they are thinking of putting microchips inside babies so that if they ever get kidnapped that you can track them on Google. But what if technology fails? Well here is my solution: next to the microchip, put a fucking detonator. Listen, if I can't have my baby, nobody can!

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Nothing is a better icebreaker than a great joke.

When something's good, I'm not an over-celebrator.

I've been ignoring my feelings lately. That works pretty well. Might also settle for less this week, just to try it out.

Sometimes sex is just a way to escape having to talk to that person.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.

My fam is just a regular family. But all of them have great senses of humor.

We always have creepy people around, a creepy individual, and it starts off when we're young-uns; when we're young-uns there's a creepy person. Back in school, back in the day, which by the way, I don't know if you knew this, was a Wednesday. Thats a little fun fact. Yeah, when you refer to "back in the day" it's a Wednesday. Take that home, chew it, it's delicious.

I wish I had some superpowers. I was thinking about that the other day. Maybe quit comedy, fight some crime. Everybody wants to fly. That's the number one power. If I could grant you a power, "Dane, I'd love to fly." Yeah? Who the fuck doesn't? Who doesn't want to leave the show tonight and be like, "Alright I'll catch you guys later." Shwwooosh and zip up into the skies. "I can show you the world. Shining, shimmering splendor."

I think that people who do enjoy my stand-up comedy and the people who get it and the people who are taken in by it, they see that I'm a guy that has love of the game.

If you take a negative, turn it inside out, it’s still a negative. You’re just revealing the ugly inside of negative so I say keep it as is.

You've gotta share what's going on in your mind.