Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 17

I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"

Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single and lonely then it's called Laundry Day.

When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

You know you're drunk when you think that the cab fare is the time.

You never make secret hallways normal height, they always have to be uncomfortable. Like Why the fuck did I build them like this?! Where's my Lab!?!

I'm really great in other peoples relationships.

I'm always going to be someone that people enjoy watching.

We always have creepy people around, a creepy individual, and it starts off when we're young-uns; when we're young-uns there's a creepy person. Back in school, back in the day, which by the way, I don't know if you knew this, was a Wednesday. Thats a little fun fact. Yeah, when you refer to "back in the day" it's a Wednesday. Take that home, chew it, it's delicious.

I don't have to do anything for anyone else's benefit anymore. I just want to exceed my own expectations.

When something's good, I'm not an over-celebrator.

Sometimes girls act all TNT Network because they know drama. That's when guys get all TBS around you because we think it's very funny.

I’m a deep thinker when it comes to shallow no brainers.

Nothing is a better icebreaker than a great joke.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.